Resumes of Fire

Congratulations! You have qualified to compete in the Olympics. The Job-Hunting Olympics, that is. Whether your contract has just ended, or you’ve been laid off, you’re about to enter one of the most challenging competitions on Earth. There are numerous events you’ll be competing in, so let’s get you in fighting shape.

The Opening Ceremony

Since no one has money anymore, your opening ceremony will consist of listening to a job-hunting playlist on Spotify or Apple Music.

Alright, time for your first event.

Long Distance Job Hunting

One of the most thrilling events involves the extensive search to find a job to apply for in the first place. Speed and endurance are of the essence as you’ll be pouring through every online listing you can find, and your fingers will need to keep good form to last the long hours of monotonous Googling and filling out temp agency applications. Even though you could end your job hunt by accepting that offer you got on LinkedIn from a shady insurance company, you must stay focused and not give in. After ripping your hair out and having recurring nightmares about being homeless, your hard work will pay off and you’ll find a position that’s perfect for you… And the application’s due tomorrow morning. This brings us to your second event: The Qualification Pentathlon.

The Qualification Pentathlon

Much like the pentathlon sporting event, the qualification pentathlon is filled with randomness. Why the hell someone thought that swimming and horse riding belonged in the same event is beyond me and when you read the job descriptions of some positions, you’ll wonder how certain requirements could possibly go together.

Since we live in a digital world, it’s no surprise that more and more jobs require certain digital skills; however, it’s pretty odd that a janitor needs to have custodial experience, be an HTML expert and know the Adobe Creative Suite. Are you fluent in multiple languages? Let’s hope to God you are. Whether you’re making lattes or curing cancer, chances are it would be “an asset” if you were fluent in English, French, Cantonese, Punjabi and/or Greek. It’s interesting this is so important to employers, though. The majority of people who are fluent in multiple languages are from different countries with non- Anglicized names, and recruiters have this weird habit of overlooking resumes with names they can’t pronounce.

Oh, and I almost forgot, even though you’re applying for an entry level job, it’s required that you have 4-5 years’ experience in a similar role. Since you juuust barely meet the requirements, you have got to be flexible, which leads us to your next competition.

Professional Experience Gymnastics

Stretching, twisting and contorting your actual experience level to look more qualified than you actually are must become second nature to you. You might not have a biology degree, but you could totally be a research assistant. I mean, you did win second place in your grade 11 science fair. Hell, with all the time you’ve spent Googling job listings, you’d be perfect for a search engine optimization position. And if you don’t have hard numbers to prove your achievements, no problem. Take the rhythmic gymnastics approach and make your resume look really pretty to impress the judges. Alright, the competition’s not over yet.

Synchronized Resume Writing

In order to keep your sanity, it’s best to get out of your cramped apartment and have a change of scenery when you’re writing resumes. For most people, this leads them to their local indie coffee shop or Starbucks. When you step inside, you’ll soon realize that everyone is there for the same reason you are. Once you’ve got your flat white and you’re all settled in, it’s time to begin the Dance of the Job-hunters.

Instead of flowered bathing caps and sparkly bathing suits, the outfit consists of thick-rimmed hipster glasses, a 90s inspired wardrobe and a MacBook Air. Your choreography will consist of the following movements:

1) Open the laptop.

2) Feverishly type.

3) Sip the coffee, then set it down.

4) Stare off into space, bored out of your skull.

5) Check Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.

6) Glance at the time and realize you need to stop fucking around and get back to work.

7) Sheepishly ask the person next to you if they’ll watch your stuff as you go to the bathroom.

And repeat. You’ll be judged on your technical merit, artistic impression and the volume of work you accomplish in the time you’re there.

And eureka! You’ve just received an email requesting that you come in for an interview…tomorrow.

Group Interview Wrestling

You’ve got an interview with your potential new boss and are ready to suck up more than Jimmy Fallon does with late-night guests. But when you get there, you discover that you and five other people will be doing this at the same time. Not to worry. When your opponents give examples about how they handled a difficult customer, you’ll take them down with an even better story. When they confidently describe themselves as a team player, you’ll give a dazzling example that’ll put those bozos in a mental headlock. And when they blather on about what they’ll bring to the company, your response will be a grand amplitude throw of an answer and you will be on top, my friend. For a while, at least.

Emotional Weight-Lifting

Alright, you’ve made it to the finals! You think your interview went well, but days have passed and they said they would’ve contacted you by now. You don’t have any more interviews lined up, and your credit card was declined for a $0.91 bagel. Being able to carry the soul-crushing anxiety of unemployment and still be a somewhat pleasant person is undoubtedly the hardest event in the Job-Hunting Olympics. But even though you may feel like a spindly weakling, you have the strength of a huge Romanian and are capable of carrying on.

Crossing the Finish Line

And it’s a good thing you hung in there, because you got the gold: you got the job. Turns out one of your references was on vacation and your new employer just needed to hear back from them. You start in three days, so it’s time to rejoice and enjoy your last few days of freedom.

The Closing Ceremony

You deserve to let loose and celebrate. Buy a few organic groceries for yourself and of course you’ll have to go shopping to get new work clothes. Who cares if you charge it to your credit card? In four weeks’ time you’ll be raking in the dough (since payroll always screws up your first paycheck somehow).

Live it up in the off-season as much as you can because the Job-Hunting Olympics comes around every four months when your contract’s up.

Godspeed and good luck to you.