A few years ago on a lazy Sunday laundry day, I couldn’t find any change for the machines. I ripped my purse and backpack apart, opened every pocket and tore my room apart. Nothing. How could this have been possible? I had taken out money from the ATM at the beginning of the week and hadn’t bought anything.
My housemate leant me some coins for the machine and as I sat babysitting my clothes, I wracked my brain to figure out where those crisp $20 bills had vanished. My answer came later that day when I went to take out the garbage and noticed the mountain of coffee cups with my name butchered a million different ways. How could I have become one of those people? When worked at Starbucks, I’d make fun of the customers who were so addicted their house would end up repossessed, but I too had gone to the dark roast side.
Coffee chronics like me are the reason why there are a plethora of crappy coffee memes with sayings like “Keep Calm and Brew Coffee” and “Sometimes I Like Coffee More Than I Like People”. I was thrilled when I found out that grocery carts now have cup holders, I buy gum in bulk so I can always avoid coffee breath and I have spent more time debating whether I should get a light or medium roast than planning for my retirement.
Don’t get me wrong, coffee is delicious and wonderful and absolutely deserves to be a staple in our daily diet, but I (and the rest of the world quite frankly) needed to take it down a notch.
The pure laziness of coffee drinkers is astounding. For a long time getting a coffee for the road was something that only tradespeople, nurses and doctors did to be alert for the 12-hour shift that lay ahead of them. Nowadays, someone with a cushy 9 to 5 desk job can’t even dream of heading to work without coffee, even though there’s a high-tech espresso machine in the office. People who have high-tech espresso machines in their own homes don’t have the strength to use them until they have a cup prepared for them from a cafe.
Now, let’s talk about the ridiculousness of cafes. In the beast that is the cafe line-up, you’ll gaze upon a chalkboard cluttered with every beverage but drip coffee. Instead, you’ll see lattes and cappuccinos with disgusting flavours. When will people realize that Pumpkin Spice tastes like microwaved cough syrup? I swear that the flavour combinations get more and more bizarre every time I go to a cafe. Before you know it Lemon ‘n’ Lamb lattes will become THE drink at Easter. When you do find the drip coffee, you’re then faced with the challenge of deciding which roast to get based upon their flavour profiles, which sound like they were either written by a gardener or a 5-year-old. Words like ‘balsam’, ‘earthy’ and ‘caramelly’ get thrown around. I mean cmon, who doesn’t want a piping hot cup of Christmas tree first thing in the morning? After deciding to go with the ‘smokey, balsam flavoured’ roast, you might make a decision that could overthrow all of your hard work: adding dairy or nondairy milk to your coffee. Who knows how long the milk carafes have been in front of that sunny window, or if the almond milk has passed the expiration date? Your $8.00 drink could be poisoned with just one splash.
Drinking coffee at work creates all kinds of craziness. After your first cup, the rest of your day is spent travelling back and forth from your desk to the lunchroom to get more. It’s a miracle you and your co-workers can find each other or make it to meetings on time. And coffee isn’t just consumed when you’re working. Some freaks drink it along with their lunches. I’m sorry, but whether it’s spaghetti and meatballs or butternut squash soup, coffee and certain flavours just don’t mix!
In addition to drinking it, coffee’s infiltrated every other aspect of our lives. Did you know that accepting a coffee during a job interview can negatively affect your chances of getting the position? The sounds of a coffee shop are now on ambient playlists to help people concentrate. I have seen countless Art Nouveau illustrations of chic women holding coffee cups on everything from tote bags to laptop covers. There are espresso scented candles and not only can you have coffee flowing through your body, but you can scrub it onto your body with bath products.
We have been drunk on java for too long and it’s time to slow down! Instead of drinking five cups of coffee a day, drink three; use the espresso machine your parents bought you four Christmases ago; and most importantly, take the time to sit and enjoy your coffee with your family during breakfast, or sip it slowly as you catch up with a friend.
Nowadays, I have plenty of laundry money. I (for the most part) only get coffee from a cafe when I’m sitting down to do work; I drink one small cup of coffee and one cup of tea a day; I’m not nearly as jumpy as I used to be; and I now think about my retirement plans way more than which roast I'm going to get.
But one thing remains the same: baristas still think my name is Jan.
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